|
| |
Some great dog
humour and other teachings
Dear Santa,
Here's a Christmas wish, to make my Christmas glow,
All I'd like for Christmas is simply Best In Show.
If that's too much, dear Santa, then my heart would loop-de-loop, If
you'd see fit to give me a placing in the Group.
In fact, I'd be quite satisfied, and not show too much greed,
If you'd be kind and generous, and give me Best of Breed.
Dear Santa, I'd be merry and really feel quite rich,
If you'd arrange a gift for me - Winners Dog or Bitch!
But I'd be joyful, Santa, and I'd dance the Highland Fling,
If my pup would just be happy and behave in the ring!!!
Author Unknown.
Not Going
Oh Boy! Here's the schedule for the Show!
Oh no! Not that one! We're "not" gonna go!
Remember last year how we swore lose or win
That we'd never set foot on these show grounds again?
It was hot, it was dirty. and not enough shade,
The inadequate benching was so poorly made.
The entry was lousy in bitches and dogs,
And they charged way too much for their bad catalogues.
The rings were so distant and located far
>From the quagmire where we abandoned the car
That we nearly collapsed from having to pack
The dogs, crates and penning over and back.
And we nearly expired from hunger and thirst,
'Cause the food and drink set-up was truly the worst.
And the ring was so small and on uneven ground;
There were stickers and weeds and debris all around,
And it's too far to travel for just one old show
So throw out the entries: we're not gonna go!
We'll stay home and loaf and relax and be glad
For no bathing, nail trimming, and rushing like mad.
No hitting the road at the dawn's early light,
No dragging home beat in the still of the night.
Just think of all the time and expense
We'll save by just using our good common sense.
However, there "is" one small thing I'll concede:
I would like to watch while they're judging our breed.
Say, I'll tell you what! Why don't we just go
As leisurely spectators viewing the show?
What a treat it will be to sit ringside with ease
And after the judging, just leave when we please.
No bother with dogs and all their regalia,
And all of the various paraphernalia.
But. as long as we'll be there, what could be wrong
With 'just for fun' taking one dog along?
OK! We'll take one. But the problem is: which?
A pup? The special? A dog or a bitch?
If we took a puppy it would just be for fun
But we could sure use the points if the dog or bitch won.
We'll never decide - it's no use to stall.
Dig out the entries - We'll enter them all!
But if it turns out as bad as we fear,
We'll really and truly stay home "next" year!
Anonymous
top 10 peeves Dogs have against Humans
1. Blaming your farts on me.....not funny....not funny at all !!!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.....I'm a friggin dog....what do you expect ?
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is it anyway ?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...STOP IT.
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog. What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the Vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotch of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered the handshake
thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters ? Hello !!! Haven't you noticed the fur ????
You Know You’ve Waited Too Long to
Find a Mate When . . .
- you talk about "scoring" you mean how you did
at last weekend's obedience trial.
you meet a guy named BOB and
instantly visualize purple and gold rosettes.
you think nothing about loudly
discussing studs and bitches in a fancy restaurant.
the first thing you notice about a
guy is what breed of dog he has.
you think stripping is something you
do to a terrier.
your biggest turn-off is a guy with
an obnoxious untrained dog.
you have ever ruled out a guy as a
prospective date based on the breed of dog he owns.
you dismiss all the guys your mother
introduces you to as "not breeding quality".
you never could stick to a diet to
impress a guy, but you can do it to get through that TDX track.
your only nice jewelry features
either dogs, dumbbells, or rosettes.
you have a video on how to
artificially inseminate your dog but last watched a dirty movie in junior
high school.
your dog has more letters after his
name than the last ten guys you've dated, and actually completed obedience
school.
you start using operant conditioning
techniques to get what you want from your boyfriend, and you hide your copy
of "Don't Shoot The Dog".
you think that maybe your current
guy has potential if you use the proper combination of positive
reinforcement and the occasional well-timed ear pinch.
you "people watch" at the
mall by making mental lists of the conformational faults each bypasser has
to contribute to the gene pool.
you think if you ever did marry and
have children that you wouldn't have to buy a playpen because you already
have an extra x-pen. And why buy a crib?? Crates are cheaper and they're
enclosed on all sides.
you give all of your married friends
child-rearing advice based on your extensive background in dog training.
your mother's worst fear is that
you'll have a child and make it wear a pinch collar.
your mother's second worst fear is
you'll get married and your dog will be in the wedding party.
you actually have friends whose dogs
HAVE been part of the wedding party.
your cousin tells you how much her
wedding costs you think how many show-quality puppies that could buy you.
all of your friends always include
your dog in any invitation they issue to you. Of course, you reciprocate
because you only have doggy friends left ... the others have stopped
inviting you places because you insist on bringing the dog!
you read the personal ads you skip
past the vital statistics and rule out any that don't say "animal
lover".
you know your dog's cholesterol but
not your own.
you lament to your friends about
chronic yeast infections, they don't know you're talking about your dog's
ears.
you last had a professional portrait
done for your high school graduation, but you just spent 50% of your dog's
purchase price having his done by the best canine photographer in the
country.
you and your dog use the same kind
of hairbrush, and you never can keep straight whose is whose.
you spend 8 hours grooming your dog
for a show the day before, and 1.25 minutes ponytailing your hair the
morning of.
you think that people with bad bites
shouldn't be allowed to breed.
your mother is ecstatic to see you
browsing the aisle with the hair coloring, after hounding you for three year
to try highlighting.... Only to be disappointed when she finds you are
looking for peroxide to "touch up" your Clumber's drool marks.
someone mentions single bars, you
wonder if they are talking about utility or agility jumps.
you go "clubbing", you
have your choice of the all-breed club, the specialty club, the obedience
club, or the tracking club.
you once made earrings out of old
rabies tags, and all your friends wanted a pair.
The following isn't humour but worth
reading and internalizing.
The Journey
When
you bring a pet into your life, you begin a journey. A journey that will bring you more love and devotion than you
have ever known, yet will also test your strength and courage. If you allow,
the journey will teach you many things, about life, about yourself, and most
of all, about love. You will come away changed forever, for one soul cannot
touch another without leaving its mark.
Along the way, you will learn much about savouring life's simple pleasures --
jumping in leaves, snoozing in the sun, the joys of puddles, and even the
satisfaction of a good scratch behind the ears. If you spend much time
outside, you will be taught how to truly experience every element, for no
rock, leaf, or log will go unexamined, no rustling bush will be overlooked,
and even the very air will be inhaled, pondered, and noted as being full of
valuable information.
Your pace may be slower, except when heading home to the food dish, but you
will become a better naturalist, having been taught by an expert in the field.
Too many times we hike on automatic pilot, our goal being to complete the
trail rather than enjoy the journey. We miss the details: the colourful
mushrooms on the rotting log, the honeycomb in the old maple snag, the hawk
feather caught on a twig.
Once we walk as a dog does, we discover a whole new world. We stop; we browse
the landscape, we kick over leaves, peek in tree holes, look up, down, all
around. And we learn what any dog knows that nature has created a marvellously
complex world that is full of surprises, that each cycle of the seasons bring
ever changing wonders, each day an essence all its own.
Even from indoors you will find yourself more attuned to the world around you.
You will find yourself watching: summer insects collecting on a screen; how
bizarre they are; how many kinds there are or noting the flick and flash of
fireflies through the dark. You will stop to observe the swirling dance of
windblown leaves, or sniff the air after a rain. It does not matter that there
is no objective in this; the point is in the doing, in not letting life's most
important details slip by.
You will find yourself doing silly things that your pet-less friends might not
understand: spending thirty minutes in the grocery aisle looking for the cat
food brand your feline must have, buying dog birthday treats, or driving
around the block an extra time because your pet enjoys the ride. You will roll
in the snow, wrestle with chewy toys, bounce little rubber balls till your
eyes cross, and even run around the house trailing your bathrobe tie with a
cat in hot pursuit, all in the name of love.
Your house will become muddier and hairier. You will wear less dark clothing
and buy more lint rollers. You
may find dog biscuits in your pocket or purse, and feel the need to explain
that an old plastic shopping bag adorns your living room rug because your cat
loves the crinkly sound. You will learn the true measure of love. The
steadfast, undying kind that says, "It doesn't matter where we are or
what we do, or how life treats us as long as we are together."
Respect this always. It is the most precious gift any living soul can give
another. You will not find it often among the human race. And you will learn
humility. The look in my dog's eyes often made me feel ashamed. Such joy and
love at my presence. She saw not some flawed human who could be cross and
stubborn, moody or rude, but only her wonderful companion. Or maybe she saw
those things and dismissed them as mere human foibles, not worth considering,
and so chose to love me anyway.
If you pay attention and learn well, when the journey is done, you will be not
just a better person, but the person your pet always knew you to be. The one
they were proud to call beloved friend.
I must caution you that this journey is not without pain. Like all paths of
true love, the pain is part of loving. For as surely as the sun sets, one day
your dear animal companion will follow a trail you cannot yet go down. And you
will have to find the strength and love to let them go.
A pet's time on earth is far too short, especially for those that love them.
We borrow them, really, just for a while, and during these brief years they
are generous enough to give us all their love, every inch of their spirit and
heart, until one day there is nothing left. The cat that only yesterday was a
kitten is all too soon old and frail and sleeping in the sun. The young pup of
boundless energy now wakes up stiff and lame, the
muzzle gone to gray.
Deep down we somehow always knew that this journey would end. We knew that if we gave
our hearts they would be broken. But give them we must for it is all they ask in
return. When the time comes, and the road curves ahead to a place we cannot see,
we give one final gift and let them run on ahead, young and whole once more.
"God speed, good friend," we say, until our journey comes full circle
and our paths cross again.
~Unknown~
HELP NEEDED ASAP:
Please help!!!! After two long years of being on a waiting list
for an agility dog, we have been notified by the breeder that, at long
last, our number has come up and ... WE ARE HAVING A PUPPY!!!
We must get rid of our children IMMEDIATELY because we just know
how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be and it just
wouldn't be fair to the children. Since our little puppy will be
arriving on Monday we MUST place the children into rescue this weekend!
They are described as:
One male - His name is Tommy, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), light
blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He
doesn't bite. Temperament tested. Does have problems with peeing
directly in the toilet.
Has had chicken Pox and is current on all shots. Tonsils have
already been removed. Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house
trained & gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and
with a little training he should be able to read soon.
One female - Her name is Lexie, Caucasian (English/Irish mix),
strawberry blonde hair, green eyes quite freckled. Two years old. Can
be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Has been temperament
tested but needs a little attitude
adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out,
and is very healthy & can be affectionate. Gets along well with other
little girls & little boys but does not like to share her toys and
therefore would do best in a one child household. She is a very quick
learner and is currently working on her house training-shouldn't take
long at all.
We really do LOVE our children so much and want to do what's right
for them; that is why we contacted a rescue group. But we simply can
no longer keep them. Also, we are afraid that they may hurt our new puppy.
I hope you understand that ours is a UNIQUE situation and we have
a real emergency here!!! They MUST be placed into your rescue by
Sunday night at the latest or we will be forced to drop them off at
the orphanage or along some dark, country road. Our priority now has
to be our new puppy.
-- Author Unknown
|
